One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons