One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.