One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
How wrong was this guy?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not