One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Remember folks 😂
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day