One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.