Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

It has been 3 years since Monday.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans