One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
This is me 🤣🤣
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.