Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

This kid is going places

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?