One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved