Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

Breaking news:

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.