Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

it be like that

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

A friend helps you before you need it

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.