One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.