One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My god she’s good.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
How to wake up a Beagle
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.