One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Shower sex be like:
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
What’s so funny?
where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
It’s on my to-do list.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.