One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
![]()
You Might Also Like
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.