One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.