One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in