One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
hardest line in real life
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.