Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello