One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
🐟✨ #re4
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”