One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Hmm, not sure about this change
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.