One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
You Might Also Like
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
everyone’s a critic
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days