One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
