One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”