Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

“you look easy to draw”

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds