Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Leaving the Barbers like

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.