One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.