One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
