@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

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@SamSykesSwears

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

@tastefactory

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@dafloydsta

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

@MaraWilson

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

@alovablenerd

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

@ComicsHey

instagram: wow, everyone is way more put together than i thought

twitter: wow, everyone is way more fucked up than i thought

facebook: wow, grandad is way more racist than i thought