One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
jesus, what did this guy do
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…