one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”