one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw