Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
You Might Also Like
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs