Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you