one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident