one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license