one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.