Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Good morning.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*