Look, I’m not saying it’s you, all I’m saying is that it’s definitely not me.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Me: So what year is it?
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?