One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.