@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

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@That_Damn_Duck

Look, I’m not saying it’s you, all I’m saying is that it’s definitely not me.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@abbycohenwl

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?