One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain