One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
それは草
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Twitter remains undefeated
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”