One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
