One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
it is time once again
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class