Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do