One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My work here is don’t.