One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
You have been warned.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.