One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.