One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
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god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
#SaturdayBears
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t