One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!