Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Thursday

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

This could be us… but you playing

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁