Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

New comic up. “Ransom”

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.