One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300