Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old