Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?