One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
only 11 steps left
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
