Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes