One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
at ease…shoulder.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.