One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Social distancing in Australia:
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season