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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Good morning
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
She knows her part so well!
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.