One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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The Sun
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
A family that plays together cheats.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted