One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside