Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

This is painfully accurate 😅

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.