Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

time for some seasonal decor

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

don’t we all

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve