One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?