One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!