Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

…u ok Nintendo?

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?