Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Just a friendly reminder!

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.