One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
not for long
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*