One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
You Might Also Like
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians