One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”