One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”